I want to share with you an actual letter from a mother to her son. She knew he would never read it; he had died in an accident on a farm three years before she wrote the letter. She wrote it as a testimony of how she had come to really know God since her son's death.
Dear John,
It's been three years since that night when God called you to Heaven. We have missed you so much, and I'm sure we will until we are together again.
At the time of your death, there was such a searching going on in your heart. I remember our long discussions and your attempts to make us understand what you were looking for. You were searching for a depth that was missing in your life. You had wisdom and insight in your youth. Some of the things you talked about, things that we didn't understand, have become clearer to us. You remarked about the students at college who were so busy serving the Lord yet lacked a personal relationship with Him. In fact, some of them with whom you talked couldn't say for sure they were saved. At the time your daddy and I talked with you I don't think we even understood, but I remember your saying that you wanted something "earth shaking" to show us. Well, when you died it was earth shaking. It tore our very foundations away. I feel that I, especially, took up your searching. I believe the Lord answered your prayer. I don't know why it had to be through your death. I'll never understand that, but through it I have discovered that my foundation was built on a creed more than on a Person. I had accepted the Lord as my Savior, but I was living my life by self-effort. When you died, everything I believed fell apart. I didn't turn from God, but I started questioning what I believed because your eternity rested on what we had taught you to believe. Was it right? Is there a God? Do I believe the Bible? Does God love me, really love me? Is there a Heaven? Are you there with God? What is it like where you are? What are you doing now? Will I really see you and know you in Heaven?
I can't say I've gotten all the answers to all my questions, but let me tell you some of the things that have happened. In my searching I have come across some of the things you were struggling with. The Bible is more that just a Book of rules. It presents a God Who wants to have fellowship with us. We do have a personal relationship with the God of the Bible. As you said, we do need to see our sins as God sees them. When we see God for Who He is, then we can see our sins as He sees them. Then we can realize the full impact of what it meant to have those sins for given through the Cross. Also our emotions do have a part in our Christian life. The Bible says that we worship the Lord "in spirit and in truth." If we don't let our total being become involved in worshiping the Lord, we hinder the Holy Spirit, and we cannot truly worship God. We are to love God with our whole being--body, soul and spirit. We can know His Spirit's presence. God can be alive to us. We can know His presence in our daily lives. We can have this while we are still here on earth. We can come before His throne and worship Him and in a real sense, be in His presence. I feel that is what you are doing now. Maybe that's why I have a yearning to do the same thing even while I'm still on earth........
Since your death, things have become very simple in my life, and I believe in your daddy's life too. The things we thought were so necessary are unimportant. To get to the basics of Who God is and my relationship with His is most important. After all, I really want to know the Person Who is now taking care of my son. How well I live by the rules we as Christians have laid down is not so important now. There was a lot of self-effort in my Christian life. God didn't save me by faith and then expect me to live the Christian life by self-effort. I think you were struggling to establish a relationship with God. You had accepted Christ as your Savior and always lived above reproach as a Christian, but you were wanting a real, personal relationship with God. In Heaven you have that relationship now, but I'm still here on earth struggling. I always tried to live right, but it was very "legalistic." I'm afraid that is how we taught you and your sister to live. We taught you how to accept Christ as Savior apart from works but the led you to believe that the Christian life was lived by self-effort, doing everything right. I believe that the element of love was left out of our teaching--accepting God's unchanging love and loving Him with your total being. This should come before works and lead to good works which are done out of a heart full of love for Him.
I'm writing this "open letter" to you as a testimony of an answer to your prayer, even after your death. If there is anything I have learned, it's that no matter how straight the live we walk in our Christian life is, it is empty self-effort without an attitude of worship and without allowing the Spirit of God to involve our total being in a loving relationship with Him. Out of that love will flow good works, a desire to fellowship with Him, a desire to please Him and serve Him. His love will compel us to be witnesses of His love to others. As the saying goes, I think I've had "the cart before the horse" by trying through self-effort to please the Lord and serve Him without letting His love fill my being in a very real, everyday sense. This realization is just beginning. Now I have to let it become an experience in my life. My prayer is that now I will live what I have learned.
Remember when I used to take you by the shoulder, tell you to look at me, and then say, "I love you, John"? I remember the sheepish look you would give me when I said that. Well, John, I still love you very much.
Your Mother
This mother, Mrs. Carol L. Wilkinson, picked up her son's search for a relationship with his Creator. She sought her God and was not disappointed. May it be true for all of us.
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