Jennifer wrote a very good blog posting on forgiveness that I think you ought to check out --http://daughtersofthemosthigh.blogspot.com/2010/06/forgive-and-let-go.html. I appreciate her transparency as she shared her heart on forgiveness. It is a very difficult thing when we try to deal with our hurt feelings. The longer we hold our hurts the harder it seems to forgive. Reading Jennifer’s blog reminded me of my own struggle with forgiveness. So I thought I would post my story and how God worked in my heart.
I had a very hard time forgiving my father over many issues through my upbringing. How can I explain to you my hurt emotions and how deeply they became rooted through the years? It was through many ways I felt unloved and rejected by my father. He was a very self-centered man though he was married to my mother and had four daughters. He preferred to spend his time drinking and playing with his toys—boats, fishing, motor cycle, snow mobile etc. He was always upset when Mom asked for money to buy food or material to sew us clothes. You see he worked hard for his money and didn’t like it going to such things. I don’t ever remember Dad being around for our birthdays or that he ever said I love you. I grew up believing he loved his good times drinking and toys better than us. I guess you could say it felt somewhat like abandonment even though he lived with us. Each of us developed emotional scars in our heart living with Dad. I’m not telling you any of that stuff for sympathy or pity, but just to highlight points in painting a small picture of what caused my heart to harden with unforgiveness. When Mom & Dad divorced I remember the day I vowed I would never forgive him and cut him out of my life.
All of that happened in my life before I got saved and became a believer. Then several years later during a revival message God smote my heart hard that I needed to forgive Dad. I wrestled with God many times before I surrendered in my heart to forgive him. God showed me I could use Philippians 4:13 in this matter of forgiveness. “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” So I asked God even though my heart didn't feel capable of forgiving Dad I asked for strength through Christ to work the forgiveness in my heart. And when I had those moments of feeling used or rejected by Dad again. I prayed again for Christ strength in forgiveness and He always did help me when I had trouble forgiving on my own.
You may be asking yourself if my relationship ever changed with Dad. And the answer would be both, yes and no. I tried to bring Dad back into my life. I wrote him letters, sent cards and pictures of his grandkids. But there always seemed to be a wall between us. In Aug ’01 my uncle called with the news Dad had a major stroke. At the time I was living in Idaho. I knew it would be the only time in our hearts where Dad & I wouldn’t have any walls up. So the next day I flew home to South Dakota to see Dad. He was very surprised to see me walk into his hospital room. He started crying, I started crying and we held each other for 5 minutes before the nurse interrupted us and caused the moment to end. That will always be a sweet memory for me. Did Dad ever say I love you? No. Was our relationship better after that? No. Dad lived six more years before he passed on. But I will always be thankful for the lesson God gave me on forgiveness and I will always be thankful for those 5 minutes in the hospital. Five minutes I would have never gotten if I had not forgiven Dad.
I had a very hard time forgiving my father over many issues through my upbringing. How can I explain to you my hurt emotions and how deeply they became rooted through the years? It was through many ways I felt unloved and rejected by my father. He was a very self-centered man though he was married to my mother and had four daughters. He preferred to spend his time drinking and playing with his toys—boats, fishing, motor cycle, snow mobile etc. He was always upset when Mom asked for money to buy food or material to sew us clothes. You see he worked hard for his money and didn’t like it going to such things. I don’t ever remember Dad being around for our birthdays or that he ever said I love you. I grew up believing he loved his good times drinking and toys better than us. I guess you could say it felt somewhat like abandonment even though he lived with us. Each of us developed emotional scars in our heart living with Dad. I’m not telling you any of that stuff for sympathy or pity, but just to highlight points in painting a small picture of what caused my heart to harden with unforgiveness. When Mom & Dad divorced I remember the day I vowed I would never forgive him and cut him out of my life.
All of that happened in my life before I got saved and became a believer. Then several years later during a revival message God smote my heart hard that I needed to forgive Dad. I wrestled with God many times before I surrendered in my heart to forgive him. God showed me I could use Philippians 4:13 in this matter of forgiveness. “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” So I asked God even though my heart didn't feel capable of forgiving Dad I asked for strength through Christ to work the forgiveness in my heart. And when I had those moments of feeling used or rejected by Dad again. I prayed again for Christ strength in forgiveness and He always did help me when I had trouble forgiving on my own.
You may be asking yourself if my relationship ever changed with Dad. And the answer would be both, yes and no. I tried to bring Dad back into my life. I wrote him letters, sent cards and pictures of his grandkids. But there always seemed to be a wall between us. In Aug ’01 my uncle called with the news Dad had a major stroke. At the time I was living in Idaho. I knew it would be the only time in our hearts where Dad & I wouldn’t have any walls up. So the next day I flew home to South Dakota to see Dad. He was very surprised to see me walk into his hospital room. He started crying, I started crying and we held each other for 5 minutes before the nurse interrupted us and caused the moment to end. That will always be a sweet memory for me. Did Dad ever say I love you? No. Was our relationship better after that? No. Dad lived six more years before he passed on. But I will always be thankful for the lesson God gave me on forgiveness and I will always be thankful for those 5 minutes in the hospital. Five minutes I would have never gotten if I had not forgiven Dad.
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